Who I Am And Why I Do What I Do

I have a confession to make.  I have been going about this all wrong!  I have been listening to coaches, friends, business associates, people on the internet, etc... about HOW to get my message across.  I've been told to maintain a professional image, don't tell too much about yourself, blah, blah. BLAAAAH!

I have come to a realization about this and here it is:  I am asking you to trust me with you greatest fears, your fondest dreams and yes, sometimes even your deepest darkest secrets.  Yet, I am supposed to maintain this "image"?  Sorry, but that is not who I am and that is not why I do what I do.

So, get a cup of coffee, tea, a margarita and sit back because I am going to tell you who I am, where I came from and WHY I do what I do today.

I am 47 years old, twice divorced and the mom to an incredible daughter who will be 19 at the end of this month.  This daughter is not mine biologically, she came into my life on in 1996 just shy of her 2nd birthday.  Her daddy was the man I had fallen in love with and she was part of the deal.  Today, she is my daughter in every sense of the word by her choice as well as mine.  I am honored that she still chooses to call me her mom.

My mother was barely 18 when I was born and my father had already taken off.  Mom tells the story that she went into labor when she got the call that my father had escaped from jail.
When I was 8 months old, my mother dumped me at my grandparents and left.  The first 4 years of my life are filled with memories of love, family and security but at the age of 4 that changed.  My mother had remarried and reclaimed her rights to me.

It was shortly thereafter that I was beaten the first time with a belt for dropping a glass in the sink.  This certainly wouldn't be last and it was by far not the worst beating.  CPS was in and out of our home for most of my childhood, which only served to ignite my mother's anger and make things worse.  I was told on a regular basis that she hated me, wished I would die and I was often referred to as either "bitch" or "the parasite".  I was terrified of her and truly there was little I could do to prevent her rage.

At the age of 13 my mother divorced my step-father and got involved with a man who 35 years later is still in her life though she swears she hates him.  He found that little girls were much more appealing to him than grown women and for the next 3 years he molested me.  I knew if I spoke up my mother would throw me out long before she would do anything to protect.  It finally got to be too much between the beatings and the hatred from her and this man doing the unspeakable to me in the middle of the night.  On the last day of 10th grade I left school and went to the local police station and told what he had done to me.  The system was different then and they left my mother alone with me.  After threats and manipulation, I recanted my story and was sent to live with my biological father.

At the age of 17 I met a man 20 years my senior, fresh out of prison for assault on a woman and child and moved in with him.  He promptly began hitting me, calling me names, etc...  I married him 2 years later and it took me years to see that I had married my mother.  He physically and emotionally abused me but the breaking point for me was the day he grabbed me by the hair threw me on the floor and forced himself on me all the while explaining that he owned me.    It took me 12 years and severe damage to my psyche to get out but I did get out.  I had to get a protection order against him and it was almost 2 more years before he was finally gone from my life as stalking is hard to prove.

Shortly after I met my second husband.  He never hit me and when we were good we were very good but he also knew how to get what he wanted from me.  I spent the next 11 years  trying to be "good enough" for a man that nothing would ever be good enough.  To add to this, he was a National Guard member and shortly after my 39th birthday he was deployed to Iraq.  14 months of hell does not even begin cover it.  When he returned we both had PTSD and 2 years later the marriage ended.  It was ugly, it was painful and it was a wake up call.  I had been wife and mom for 11 years with no identity outside of that.  I had no clue what made "me" happy, I had no idea who I was, what I was or what I wanted.

I found myself in the metaphysical world and in that, I found a peace I had never known, but I still had my PTSD pop up, I still had no self-esteem, self confidence or anything else that was good about me.  I had lost 40 lbs after the divorce without dieting and ate what I wanted when I wanted, I looked better than I had in years and I felt physically better than I ever remembered feeling.  Yet, I still hated myself.  I did not feel attractive or worthwhile and for that reason I hid out in my apartment.  Given I have suffered from social anxiety most of my adult life, this was safe for me.

A friend suggested this strange thing called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) that I honestly thought was a BS scam in the beginning.  I laughed at it but tried it anyway so I could tell my friend I tried.   I was stunned at how quickly my stress level dropped when I began to tap.  Hmmmm there might be something to this thing.  I began to use it consistently and found that my nightmares were suddenly less.  I began reading and listening to everything I could get my hands on. I discovered EFT had been effective with those who suffer from PTSD and I became determined to train in this modality.  I found that one of the pioneers of the PTSD work was offering EFT training in Minnesota so I scraped up money I really didn't have and flew to Minnesota and trained in level 1 and 2 EFT.  This changed my life, it changed me and it has changed the people in my life.

PTSD is now a thing of the past for me.  Lack of confidence?  Well, I can still see the lines in my face and wish my butt was smaller but I am comfortable in my own skin, I even date (trust me this was a HUGE thing for someone who had not dated in the 3 years since my divorce).  I quit trying to be the good wife, the good daughter, the good anything and decided to be what makes me happy.

I found the more I allowed myself to just be myself without excuses or apologies the more that I began to feel attractive, sexy, sensual and just awesome.  I also began to see how much of myself I had repressed through the years trying to be what others wanted me to be.  It took me time to see that it wasn't about my age, weight or background that made me attractive but it was ME!

I began to notice that most women struggle with that part of them that is truly who they are and it broke my heart.  We are the ones setting the standards for future generations, we hold it together, we take care of everyone and we tend to put who and what we are on the back burner.  I knew I did not want this same fate for my daughter and I became determined to set an example for her.  But that wasn't enough.  To see so many women dim that magical light inside of themselves just hurts me to watch it and do nothing.

So why I do what I do?  Because I KNOW what it feels like to not be happy, to not feel good about myself and to allow what others think I should be run my life.

Reclaiming The Goddess Within is not to turn you into an exotic dancer (unless that is your dream) but to help you bring out who you are, what makes you happy and help you be perfectly OK in being all the things you are capable of.

I do this because I have made it my mission in life to help other women find that part of themselves that they feel they either lost or never had and help you find a way to shine that very unique light that yours.  For each woman that is a different.  For some it just means finding time to spend time alone walking through the park for others that means being sexy.  The Goddess is not about sex, the Goddess is about being the woman that you have hidden for far too long.  Some Goddesses are quiet and some are loud.  Regardless, what being a Goddess means is a very personal and unique experience but for all of us it means learning to embrace ourselves for the amazing beings that we are.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and for holding the space that gives me a safe place to share my story.  I will tell you now that I am not a survivor.  I am a women who like most women has had challenges in my life, I got through them, just as I know you have gotten through your challenges.  Sometimes it was ugly and messy and rarely did I actually manage it with grace, but I still got through and I am who I am because of these things.  I am not a survivor but I am a woman who has made the choice to live my life and soak it up for all it has to offer.  If you are reading this, I do not want your pity or your praise but I certainly hope that somewhere in this you have found something to inspire you to be exactly who you are without limits.

Live With Passion
~Bel