After a very long hiatus from dating and relationships, I recently decided it was time to open myself up to meeting someone new into my life. Terrified is a tame word for how I felt even thinking about this.
First, I tried a dating site that simply made me cringe. For me there has to be a connection with someone a "real time/real life" connection. Online dating felt more like a job interview and quite honestly, I went on one date and was done with it.
It probably didn't help that I had a specific age group in mind along with about a million other things. A couple of month back I was a asked out by someone significantly younger than myself and to my greater surprise, I agreed. I had sworn, I would never ever be a "cougar". While this did not turn into happily ever after, it was a wonderful experience with a wonderful man to whom I owe a huge debt of gratitude. He treated me well, I had a great deal of fun and in the end we parted on very good terms.
Not long after I met him, I was expressing all of my worries and my assumption that this would be a good time for a short time because there is no way someone so much younger could possibly be interested in someone my age for anything serious. The joy of really good friends is they call you on your crap. My friend asked me "WHY would you be so set on a relationship with someone your own age, even your friends average about 10 years younger than yourself?" I thought about that. I am vibrant and most days forget that I am 47 years old. I'm physically active, I am bored sitting on the couch watching TV every weekend and I like to have a whole lot of fun. I'm not interested in someone retirement account, investments, etc.... Now give me a man that is willing to explore life, do stupid things for fun, get out and play, go to the fair with me and eat cotton candy until we both have a stomach ache and then get on the roller coaster with me...THAT is my kind of man. Not to say that all men in their late 40's are like that, but many have gotten so wrapped up in the day to day worries of life that they miss the fun.
This got me to thinking. WHY had I boxed myself in? Why was I limiting my options and why had I labeled myself in such a way. Well...because I was still stuck in the old societal role of being a "good girl". Good girls are what society deems acceptable. Trust me, I am not that girl. I have a couple of tattoos and will likely get more. I have piercings that make my siblings cringe at the mention of them, I have a weird job based on the standards of others. So why oh why would I live up to others standards when I date?
I realized for myself this has been how I have lived most of my life. Trying to please others before myself and that is exactly how I found myself searching for my own identity when my "acceptable" marriage fell to pieces and I was left on my own with absolutely nothing. It's time for the good girl to go back to a place of a "comfortable" life and I'll get on with a life that brings me joy everyday.
What part of your life are you living to please others while selling yourself short? Where are you blocking yourself from fully embracing your goddess because others might not approve? Are you happy doing that? Most of us don't change everything overnight and honestly if we did, we would likely scare ourselves so bad that we would never move forward. BUT...I urge you to find one small thing in your life that you have compromised, buried, ignored or just plain rejected because of what others might think and give yourself a chance to change that small piece to doing it one YOUR TERMS!
Live With Passion
~Bel
Monday, May 27, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Your Feelings Matter: Lessons From My Daughter
My greatest joy, love and teacher is my almost 19 year old daughter. She is also a reminder of just how wrong some of the examples I set for her as she grew up actually were for her.
Today, I had a conversation with her about her current relationship. Sadly, I see her repeating mistakes from my past. Lessons that I have learned and refuse to ever accept in my life again, but now I can only stand back watch, pray and offer what insight I can in a gentle yet not invasive way to her.
It seems the young man in my daughters life finds it acceptable to disregard her feelings and then when she reacts to this bad behavior on his part he becomes angry at her and tells her how and why she is the one in the wrong. There appears to be a lack of balance as she is expected to accommodate his feelings, his attitudes, his beliefs, etc... yet hers are not important or considered.
This is painful for me as a mom for so many reasons. First of course, is she is my baby and how dare someone not appreciate her for the amazing person she is but that is the mom in me. The woman who has been through this also hurts to see this behavior because I know what it feels like.
I know what it means to have your feelings not matter, to be disregarded and told that you are over-reacting, foolish, crazy, wrong and so many other insults thrown at you to justify bad behavior.
Having come to a point in my life, I wish I could show every person out there that your feelings do matter and anyone who does not validate and honor those feelings is not someone that you want to be with.
So, as you are on your journey of Reclaiming The Goddess Within you, start by expecting and demanding that your feelings do matter. Do not accept or allow anyone to belittle you for having those feelings. Nobody is so wonderful that you should feel bad about yourself.
I do know that is not always easy to do. It takes time and practice. It takes knowing within you that your feelings matter. As you begin to find ways to do this, you will find it gets easier to do. Not everyone is going to like that you are standing up for yourself and I can promise you that there will be times that is will be very uncomfortable, I can also promise you that if you do this consistently, in time you will find that someone disregarding your feelings is much more uncomfortable.
I have included an EFT tapping audio at the bottom of this post to help you along in beginning this step of your journey. You will need to know the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping points in order to follow along. If you don't know them, simply search on Youtube and search EFT Tapping points. You will find MANY videos that show you the points. It's very simple to follow along. I would love your thoughts, ideas, suggestions about this audio or upcoming audios that you would like me to create in the future.
Live With Passion
~Bel
Today, I had a conversation with her about her current relationship. Sadly, I see her repeating mistakes from my past. Lessons that I have learned and refuse to ever accept in my life again, but now I can only stand back watch, pray and offer what insight I can in a gentle yet not invasive way to her.
It seems the young man in my daughters life finds it acceptable to disregard her feelings and then when she reacts to this bad behavior on his part he becomes angry at her and tells her how and why she is the one in the wrong. There appears to be a lack of balance as she is expected to accommodate his feelings, his attitudes, his beliefs, etc... yet hers are not important or considered.
This is painful for me as a mom for so many reasons. First of course, is she is my baby and how dare someone not appreciate her for the amazing person she is but that is the mom in me. The woman who has been through this also hurts to see this behavior because I know what it feels like.
I know what it means to have your feelings not matter, to be disregarded and told that you are over-reacting, foolish, crazy, wrong and so many other insults thrown at you to justify bad behavior.
Having come to a point in my life, I wish I could show every person out there that your feelings do matter and anyone who does not validate and honor those feelings is not someone that you want to be with.
So, as you are on your journey of Reclaiming The Goddess Within you, start by expecting and demanding that your feelings do matter. Do not accept or allow anyone to belittle you for having those feelings. Nobody is so wonderful that you should feel bad about yourself.
I do know that is not always easy to do. It takes time and practice. It takes knowing within you that your feelings matter. As you begin to find ways to do this, you will find it gets easier to do. Not everyone is going to like that you are standing up for yourself and I can promise you that there will be times that is will be very uncomfortable, I can also promise you that if you do this consistently, in time you will find that someone disregarding your feelings is much more uncomfortable.
I have included an EFT tapping audio at the bottom of this post to help you along in beginning this step of your journey. You will need to know the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping points in order to follow along. If you don't know them, simply search on Youtube and search EFT Tapping points. You will find MANY videos that show you the points. It's very simple to follow along. I would love your thoughts, ideas, suggestions about this audio or upcoming audios that you would like me to create in the future.
Live With Passion
~Bel
Friday, May 17, 2013
Who I Am And Why I Do What I Do
I have a confession to make. I have been going about this all wrong! I have been listening to coaches, friends, business associates, people on the internet, etc... about HOW to get my message across. I've been told to maintain a professional image, don't tell too much about yourself, blah, blah. BLAAAAH!
I have come to a realization about this and here it is: I am asking you to trust me with you greatest fears, your fondest dreams and yes, sometimes even your deepest darkest secrets. Yet, I am supposed to maintain this "image"? Sorry, but that is not who I am and that is not why I do what I do.
So, get a cup of coffee, tea, a margarita and sit back because I am going to tell you who I am, where I came from and WHY I do what I do today.
I am 47 years old, twice divorced and the mom to an incredible daughter who will be 19 at the end of this month. This daughter is not mine biologically, she came into my life on in 1996 just shy of her 2nd birthday. Her daddy was the man I had fallen in love with and she was part of the deal. Today, she is my daughter in every sense of the word by her choice as well as mine. I am honored that she still chooses to call me her mom.
My mother was barely 18 when I was born and my father had already taken off. Mom tells the story that she went into labor when she got the call that my father had escaped from jail.
When I was 8 months old, my mother dumped me at my grandparents and left. The first 4 years of my life are filled with memories of love, family and security but at the age of 4 that changed. My mother had remarried and reclaimed her rights to me.
It was shortly thereafter that I was beaten the first time with a belt for dropping a glass in the sink. This certainly wouldn't be last and it was by far not the worst beating. CPS was in and out of our home for most of my childhood, which only served to ignite my mother's anger and make things worse. I was told on a regular basis that she hated me, wished I would die and I was often referred to as either "bitch" or "the parasite". I was terrified of her and truly there was little I could do to prevent her rage.
At the age of 13 my mother divorced my step-father and got involved with a man who 35 years later is still in her life though she swears she hates him. He found that little girls were much more appealing to him than grown women and for the next 3 years he molested me. I knew if I spoke up my mother would throw me out long before she would do anything to protect. It finally got to be too much between the beatings and the hatred from her and this man doing the unspeakable to me in the middle of the night. On the last day of 10th grade I left school and went to the local police station and told what he had done to me. The system was different then and they left my mother alone with me. After threats and manipulation, I recanted my story and was sent to live with my biological father.
At the age of 17 I met a man 20 years my senior, fresh out of prison for assault on a woman and child and moved in with him. He promptly began hitting me, calling me names, etc... I married him 2 years later and it took me years to see that I had married my mother. He physically and emotionally abused me but the breaking point for me was the day he grabbed me by the hair threw me on the floor and forced himself on me all the while explaining that he owned me. It took me 12 years and severe damage to my psyche to get out but I did get out. I had to get a protection order against him and it was almost 2 more years before he was finally gone from my life as stalking is hard to prove.
Shortly after I met my second husband. He never hit me and when we were good we were very good but he also knew how to get what he wanted from me. I spent the next 11 years trying to be "good enough" for a man that nothing would ever be good enough. To add to this, he was a National Guard member and shortly after my 39th birthday he was deployed to Iraq. 14 months of hell does not even begin cover it. When he returned we both had PTSD and 2 years later the marriage ended. It was ugly, it was painful and it was a wake up call. I had been wife and mom for 11 years with no identity outside of that. I had no clue what made "me" happy, I had no idea who I was, what I was or what I wanted.
I found myself in the metaphysical world and in that, I found a peace I had never known, but I still had my PTSD pop up, I still had no self-esteem, self confidence or anything else that was good about me. I had lost 40 lbs after the divorce without dieting and ate what I wanted when I wanted, I looked better than I had in years and I felt physically better than I ever remembered feeling. Yet, I still hated myself. I did not feel attractive or worthwhile and for that reason I hid out in my apartment. Given I have suffered from social anxiety most of my adult life, this was safe for me.
A friend suggested this strange thing called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) that I honestly thought was a BS scam in the beginning. I laughed at it but tried it anyway so I could tell my friend I tried. I was stunned at how quickly my stress level dropped when I began to tap. Hmmmm there might be something to this thing. I began to use it consistently and found that my nightmares were suddenly less. I began reading and listening to everything I could get my hands on. I discovered EFT had been effective with those who suffer from PTSD and I became determined to train in this modality. I found that one of the pioneers of the PTSD work was offering EFT training in Minnesota so I scraped up money I really didn't have and flew to Minnesota and trained in level 1 and 2 EFT. This changed my life, it changed me and it has changed the people in my life.
PTSD is now a thing of the past for me. Lack of confidence? Well, I can still see the lines in my face and wish my butt was smaller but I am comfortable in my own skin, I even date (trust me this was a HUGE thing for someone who had not dated in the 3 years since my divorce). I quit trying to be the good wife, the good daughter, the good anything and decided to be what makes me happy.
I found the more I allowed myself to just be myself without excuses or apologies the more that I began to feel attractive, sexy, sensual and just awesome. I also began to see how much of myself I had repressed through the years trying to be what others wanted me to be. It took me time to see that it wasn't about my age, weight or background that made me attractive but it was ME!
I began to notice that most women struggle with that part of them that is truly who they are and it broke my heart. We are the ones setting the standards for future generations, we hold it together, we take care of everyone and we tend to put who and what we are on the back burner. I knew I did not want this same fate for my daughter and I became determined to set an example for her. But that wasn't enough. To see so many women dim that magical light inside of themselves just hurts me to watch it and do nothing.
So why I do what I do? Because I KNOW what it feels like to not be happy, to not feel good about myself and to allow what others think I should be run my life.
Reclaiming The Goddess Within is not to turn you into an exotic dancer (unless that is your dream) but to help you bring out who you are, what makes you happy and help you be perfectly OK in being all the things you are capable of.
I do this because I have made it my mission in life to help other women find that part of themselves that they feel they either lost or never had and help you find a way to shine that very unique light that yours. For each woman that is a different. For some it just means finding time to spend time alone walking through the park for others that means being sexy. The Goddess is not about sex, the Goddess is about being the woman that you have hidden for far too long. Some Goddesses are quiet and some are loud. Regardless, what being a Goddess means is a very personal and unique experience but for all of us it means learning to embrace ourselves for the amazing beings that we are.
I thank you for taking the time to read this and for holding the space that gives me a safe place to share my story. I will tell you now that I am not a survivor. I am a women who like most women has had challenges in my life, I got through them, just as I know you have gotten through your challenges. Sometimes it was ugly and messy and rarely did I actually manage it with grace, but I still got through and I am who I am because of these things. I am not a survivor but I am a woman who has made the choice to live my life and soak it up for all it has to offer. If you are reading this, I do not want your pity or your praise but I certainly hope that somewhere in this you have found something to inspire you to be exactly who you are without limits.
Live With Passion
~Bel
I have come to a realization about this and here it is: I am asking you to trust me with you greatest fears, your fondest dreams and yes, sometimes even your deepest darkest secrets. Yet, I am supposed to maintain this "image"? Sorry, but that is not who I am and that is not why I do what I do.
So, get a cup of coffee, tea, a margarita and sit back because I am going to tell you who I am, where I came from and WHY I do what I do today.
I am 47 years old, twice divorced and the mom to an incredible daughter who will be 19 at the end of this month. This daughter is not mine biologically, she came into my life on in 1996 just shy of her 2nd birthday. Her daddy was the man I had fallen in love with and she was part of the deal. Today, she is my daughter in every sense of the word by her choice as well as mine. I am honored that she still chooses to call me her mom.
My mother was barely 18 when I was born and my father had already taken off. Mom tells the story that she went into labor when she got the call that my father had escaped from jail.
When I was 8 months old, my mother dumped me at my grandparents and left. The first 4 years of my life are filled with memories of love, family and security but at the age of 4 that changed. My mother had remarried and reclaimed her rights to me.
It was shortly thereafter that I was beaten the first time with a belt for dropping a glass in the sink. This certainly wouldn't be last and it was by far not the worst beating. CPS was in and out of our home for most of my childhood, which only served to ignite my mother's anger and make things worse. I was told on a regular basis that she hated me, wished I would die and I was often referred to as either "bitch" or "the parasite". I was terrified of her and truly there was little I could do to prevent her rage.
At the age of 13 my mother divorced my step-father and got involved with a man who 35 years later is still in her life though she swears she hates him. He found that little girls were much more appealing to him than grown women and for the next 3 years he molested me. I knew if I spoke up my mother would throw me out long before she would do anything to protect. It finally got to be too much between the beatings and the hatred from her and this man doing the unspeakable to me in the middle of the night. On the last day of 10th grade I left school and went to the local police station and told what he had done to me. The system was different then and they left my mother alone with me. After threats and manipulation, I recanted my story and was sent to live with my biological father.
At the age of 17 I met a man 20 years my senior, fresh out of prison for assault on a woman and child and moved in with him. He promptly began hitting me, calling me names, etc... I married him 2 years later and it took me years to see that I had married my mother. He physically and emotionally abused me but the breaking point for me was the day he grabbed me by the hair threw me on the floor and forced himself on me all the while explaining that he owned me. It took me 12 years and severe damage to my psyche to get out but I did get out. I had to get a protection order against him and it was almost 2 more years before he was finally gone from my life as stalking is hard to prove.
Shortly after I met my second husband. He never hit me and when we were good we were very good but he also knew how to get what he wanted from me. I spent the next 11 years trying to be "good enough" for a man that nothing would ever be good enough. To add to this, he was a National Guard member and shortly after my 39th birthday he was deployed to Iraq. 14 months of hell does not even begin cover it. When he returned we both had PTSD and 2 years later the marriage ended. It was ugly, it was painful and it was a wake up call. I had been wife and mom for 11 years with no identity outside of that. I had no clue what made "me" happy, I had no idea who I was, what I was or what I wanted.
I found myself in the metaphysical world and in that, I found a peace I had never known, but I still had my PTSD pop up, I still had no self-esteem, self confidence or anything else that was good about me. I had lost 40 lbs after the divorce without dieting and ate what I wanted when I wanted, I looked better than I had in years and I felt physically better than I ever remembered feeling. Yet, I still hated myself. I did not feel attractive or worthwhile and for that reason I hid out in my apartment. Given I have suffered from social anxiety most of my adult life, this was safe for me.
A friend suggested this strange thing called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) that I honestly thought was a BS scam in the beginning. I laughed at it but tried it anyway so I could tell my friend I tried. I was stunned at how quickly my stress level dropped when I began to tap. Hmmmm there might be something to this thing. I began to use it consistently and found that my nightmares were suddenly less. I began reading and listening to everything I could get my hands on. I discovered EFT had been effective with those who suffer from PTSD and I became determined to train in this modality. I found that one of the pioneers of the PTSD work was offering EFT training in Minnesota so I scraped up money I really didn't have and flew to Minnesota and trained in level 1 and 2 EFT. This changed my life, it changed me and it has changed the people in my life.
PTSD is now a thing of the past for me. Lack of confidence? Well, I can still see the lines in my face and wish my butt was smaller but I am comfortable in my own skin, I even date (trust me this was a HUGE thing for someone who had not dated in the 3 years since my divorce). I quit trying to be the good wife, the good daughter, the good anything and decided to be what makes me happy.
I found the more I allowed myself to just be myself without excuses or apologies the more that I began to feel attractive, sexy, sensual and just awesome. I also began to see how much of myself I had repressed through the years trying to be what others wanted me to be. It took me time to see that it wasn't about my age, weight or background that made me attractive but it was ME!
I began to notice that most women struggle with that part of them that is truly who they are and it broke my heart. We are the ones setting the standards for future generations, we hold it together, we take care of everyone and we tend to put who and what we are on the back burner. I knew I did not want this same fate for my daughter and I became determined to set an example for her. But that wasn't enough. To see so many women dim that magical light inside of themselves just hurts me to watch it and do nothing.
So why I do what I do? Because I KNOW what it feels like to not be happy, to not feel good about myself and to allow what others think I should be run my life.
Reclaiming The Goddess Within is not to turn you into an exotic dancer (unless that is your dream) but to help you bring out who you are, what makes you happy and help you be perfectly OK in being all the things you are capable of.
I do this because I have made it my mission in life to help other women find that part of themselves that they feel they either lost or never had and help you find a way to shine that very unique light that yours. For each woman that is a different. For some it just means finding time to spend time alone walking through the park for others that means being sexy. The Goddess is not about sex, the Goddess is about being the woman that you have hidden for far too long. Some Goddesses are quiet and some are loud. Regardless, what being a Goddess means is a very personal and unique experience but for all of us it means learning to embrace ourselves for the amazing beings that we are.
I thank you for taking the time to read this and for holding the space that gives me a safe place to share my story. I will tell you now that I am not a survivor. I am a women who like most women has had challenges in my life, I got through them, just as I know you have gotten through your challenges. Sometimes it was ugly and messy and rarely did I actually manage it with grace, but I still got through and I am who I am because of these things. I am not a survivor but I am a woman who has made the choice to live my life and soak it up for all it has to offer. If you are reading this, I do not want your pity or your praise but I certainly hope that somewhere in this you have found something to inspire you to be exactly who you are without limits.
Live With Passion
~Bel
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